And went to the doctor.
Sadly, he did not look like this.
Then I read the article in Toronto Life about Ashley Madison -- you know, the cheaters' version of Lavalife? The slogan is "Life is Short. Have an Affair. And then I became a paranoid wife. Thanks, Toronto Life! Then I hid the issue from The Hubs so he doesn't get any ideas. Then I made cupcakes and pumpkin bread because a fat husband is a happy husband, right? Right, people?
I also invited the Rogers phone guy into my home because our phone was not working. At which point he told me, Your phone doesn't work. You need a new one. Oh hmm... That's what I get for buying a US phone at Target. And how can I return it when I threw out the receipts so the border guy wouldn't make me pay duty? (Just kidding, Super Customs Men! I would never ever do that.) So then I bought a new phone at Best Buy. You can tell there's a recession by going into Best Buy. It was a ghost town. I couldn't even find the cash desk because there was no lineup. The only lineup was at the Returns desk.
I also invited the plumber into the house. Our ongoing shower problems have now reached a four-week record and he still didn't solve the problem. Instead, he told me to rinse my shower head with vinegar, which seems very suspicious, even if I did as I was told. I mean, what do I know about plumbing? I can't even understand the Plumbing for Dummies book.
On the same day, our bed mysteriously half-broke when I was making it. Note to all wives: When the bed somehow decides to break, it should not be on the same day that you stay home because the plumber is coming over to fix your shower. It will look very suspicious to your husband, trust me. Especially if the plumber leaves and the shower is not fixed. Even if you tell your husband that the plumber was 65 and bald. Ew.
But you know what I missed while on my Staycation? Meeting TOM CRUISE at one of the beauty events I didn't go to because I was at home with the plumber. Okay, I know he's sort of crazy and everything, but I had the HUGEST crush on him during his Top Gun days and sometimes I just can't get over that.
IceMan: "I don't like you because you're dangerous."
Maverick: "That's right. Ice. Man."
Now if the plumber had looked like that... I'm kidding, people! Sheesh.
But now, sadly, the exciting Staycation has come to an end and it's back to work. Which isn't that bad--it's almost Christmas! Which means everyone is sending chocolates and beauty products that I don't have to write about but can just use for fun. Who can complain about that?