I do not have a collapsed lung...

In my last post -- 37 things -- I mentioned I thought I might have a collapsed lung. Or anxiety. Well, after doing the meme, I decided I really DID have a collapsed lung. So I went to the doctor. Who told me that I was either having an anxiety attack because I thought I had a collapsed lung OR that I had a blood clot on my lung, which was making it hard to breathe. He told me the only way to find out was to get a chest X-ray and the only way to do that at 5 pm on a Friday was to go to the emergency.

So then I had an anxiety attack. I mean, wouldn't you if a doctor told you that you might have a BLOOD CLOT in your lung?

I was so crazy I couldn't even remember how to get to the hospital, but then he told me there was an emergency only a street away. But I couldn't find any Emergency and I had to keep sitting down to catch my breath before finally deciding that Urgent Care must be Emergency. Shouldn't there been some universal rule that the Emergency can only be called Emergency on the sign? I mean, of course an Emergency IS Urgent, but English is my first language and in my panicked state I couldn't even comprehend that it was the same thing. How long would people whose first language is NOT English have to circle the block until they figured that out? Or is it just me? 

 So I went to the Urgent Care centre and called the Hubs.

He: "There's an Emergency on that street?"

Me: "Yes. Apparently."

He arrived five minutes later. Clearly we weren't the only ones who didn't know this hospital had an Emergency because there were only six people in the waiting room (compared to about 60 if you go to any other ER in the city).

I filled out the intake form. Turns out if you check off "Difficulty breathing and chest pains" you bypass everyone else. Within minutes I was whisked away and put in a bed with a heart monitor hooked up to me.

Four hours, a chest X-ray, 10 vials of blood, heart monitoring and a Booster Juice that the Hubs brought me, I got to go home. The doctor told me I didn't have:

a) a collapsed lung

b) a blood clot on my lung

c) any signs that I'd had a heart attack.

Instead, I have some sort of strange virus that is causing chest pains and shortness of breath. He told me to rest and then on Monday start a strange diet where I cannot eat wheat, dairy, cheese, chocolate, sugar Diet Coke or essentially ANY of my favourite things for two weeks. What?! No! So then I had an anxiety attack. (Kidding). So this weekend I watched five episodes of Ghost Hunters, played one round of golf, went to see The Dark Knight, ate three slices of pizza, half a chocolate bar, a bowl of ice cream and watched the first episode of Shark Week!

My anxiety seems to have passed. For now, until the lack of chocolate, candy, cheese and caffeine sets in. 

37 Things

Stolen from the blogs of authors E. Lockhart and John Green...

37 Odd Things About Me

1. Do you like blue cheese?

Like it? I LOVE it. Any type of blue: Benedictine, Gorgonzola, Cambozola...

2. Have you ever smoked?

I tried - once - in grade nine because I thought it would make me cool. I hated it. The cigarette hated me too. I decided being uncool was cool, and smelled better.

3. Do you own a gun?

I thought this said "gum". I was like "Who doesn't own gum?" Then I realized it said "gun". Clearly an American initiated this meme. I don't own a killing gun, but I DO own a Glue Gun!

4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?

I'm more of a Crystal Light kind of girl. It's tangier.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

Not really. My doctor is funny.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I like them. But I can't eat the ones on the street. I don't like to eat anything standing on a sidewalk with car fumes blowing in my face.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?

A tie: Miracle on 34th Street (the remake - I'm a sucker for colour) and A Christmas Story (little known fact: the school is in my hometown).

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Timothy's Skim Chai Latte.

9. Can you do push ups?

Yes. About twelve in a row.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

My engagement ring.

11. Favorite hobby?

Writing, reading. But not arithmetic.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

Mild, I think. Or, it's just my excuse when I can't focus on one project at a time.

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?

Yes, both. Not at the same time.

14. Middle name?

Chantel. I'm tricky that way.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?

I want to go outside and suntan, I am thirsty, I wish Ellen had better guests on today.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?

Water, Diet Coke, water.

17. Current worry?

I think I have a collapsed lung. Or hypochondria.

18. Current hate right now?

Hate be gone! I'm trying to remove it from my life. It's a waste of time.

19. Favorite place to be?

At home.

20. How did you bring in the new year?

I didn't bring it in. I left the cold outside.

21. Where would you like to go?

My balcony.

22. Name three people who will complete this?

Why do memes always assume the answerers are psychic?

23. Do you own slippers?

Of course! They're my favourite footwear.


24. What shirt are you wearing?

Black tank, fuchsia (did I spell that correctly?) sweater.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I don't think so. I'm not a porn star.

26. Can you whistle?

Yes, but only one note.


27. Favorite color?

Royal Marine.

28. Would you be a pirate?

No... I get seasick. I also like showers and shorts, and pirates seem dirty and overdressed all the time.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

I'll tell you tomorrow morning.

30. Favorite Girl's Name?

Mara. That's why she's my number one heroine.

31. Favorite boy's name?

Molson. I totally just made that up.

32. What's in your pocket right now?

Nothing. My pockets are sewn shut.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

The cherries that are spread out around my living room because a certain four-legged friend thinks it's fun to bat them out of the bowl on the counter and play with them while I'm out.


34. What vehicle do you drive?

A black one.

35. Worst injury you've ever had?

I broke my arm when I was a baby. I don't remember it.

36. Do you love where you live?

Yes.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One. But it's unfortunately the size of four normal TVs, but only displays one show at a time.

Celebri-tease

Did you KNOW how much celebrity dirt you DON'T know when you DON'T read Entertainment Weekly every week? I'll tell you five things I learned today.

• Madonna has a brother. He wrote a book.
• Nicole Richie will guest star in an episode of Chuck.
• The OC's Taylor Townsend (aka Autumn Reeser) will be in the season premiere of Pushing Daisies.
• Before Katy Perry "kissed a girl" her name was Katy Hudson, but she changed it so we wouldn't confuse her and Kate Hudson.
• The Peach Pit is being reno'ed for the return of 90210.

I have not been working very much...

But I have been working on other things. Such as:

a) My tan. Shame! I know. Haven't I heard of skin cancer? But I have an excuse: Two of my childhood girlfriends and I met for a reunion this weekend and headed to Hockley Valley. Swimming, suntanning, spa-ing and catching up on gossip. This is the perfect getaway if you live in Toronto and want a quiet retreat from the city in just 45 minutes. It's not on a lake, but the outdoor pool was just as cold (but clean!), so really, it's the ideal compromise for cottage country near the city.

b) Writing about the new fall TV lineup for Tribute magazine. Now, I know I'm supposed to be writing fairly about ALL the shows on TV this fall (new, returning, favourites...), but I just have to say HOW CAN I TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES 90210??? Especially, when the latest confirmed cast member is Shannen Doherty, as the high-school musical director! I'm trying, but it's difficult.

c) Golfing. If you are a girl and you like to golf (even if you are sucky at it), you should enter charity golf tournaments. For one thing, it's a great way to meet boys, since it's often mostly guys doing it. And, they always have prizes, but since there are few girls, you're almost guaranteed to win in one of the categories (if not for skill, for cutest outfit).

Four Things on a Friday

1. I got up early this morning to come to work because we're on deadline, only to forget my umbrella and get caught in the rain halfway to work. With a white shirt on. Nice! Then, I arrived to find that the elevators hadn't been working for the past two hours. And the maintenance guys weren't sure how to make them work. Interesting. Finally, when the manager of the million telemarketers in our building looking like he was going to pop a vein in his forehead, they opened the doors to the stairs so that the telemarketers in the building could get to work. They work on the 2nd floor. I work on the 19th. I decided to just go for it. Thank goodness I left the stripper heels at home and wore flip-flops to work. Of course, the elevators still aren't working and I'm sitting in the office alone. I'm worried about what will happen if they don't get the elevators working at all today. What will I eat for lunch?

2. Someone sent me a press release about how no one's wearing sunscreen anymore, and they're tanning like there's no tomorrow. I guess sun damage was just a fad. Like leg warmers. Remember acid rain? No one talks about that anymore, either. Next up: this whole "green" issue. 

3. On the Today Show, there was an expert talking about video games and how they're not just for kids anymore, but that adults are playing them too (ohhh...so that's what the PS3 is doing in my living room. I was worried I'd popped out an eight-year-old when I wasn't looking and had misplaced him). His point was that the violent games are really for "dads", but that there are even games for moms now, too. "Like the Wii Fit, so that women can lose weight." 

What? So guys can sit around eating Doritos and virtually picking up strippers on Grand Theft Auto but women have to do the Step Class because we're all fat? 

4. I'm in All David Sedaris All The Time mode right now. I only recently discovered him after one of my friends raved how funny his is, and now I'm addicted.  I'm halfway through his latest, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I read when I'm sitting. When I'm walking, I listen to Me Talk Pretty One Day on my iPod. He was at Indigo last night but I couldn't go because I had my golf date with my instructor (and my husband, of course. Tres legit, don't worry.) But, tonight he's at McNally Books. I cannot wait. In the meantime, here he is on Letterman. Enjoy!

When Fiction Intermingles with Real Life

I took a walk to Golf Town this afternoon, to pick up more pink balls. As I was roaming the store, I heard a man asking for something he'd put on hold, at the cash desk. The sales clerk, said, "No problem, George. The last name's Fowler, right?"

I turned to look. George Fowler. I knew that name. That's right, he's Lila's dad, I thought. Then I tried to recall how I knew Lila. Did I go to school with her, or was it my sister? But as George walked by I realized I didn't recognize him. Perhaps I've never met him, I thought. Should I stop him and say hi? As I debated this, it suddenly dawned on me. I don't know George Fowler at all. I don't even know Lila Fowler. That's because she was never my friend. She was Jessica Wakefield's best friend. In the Sweet Valley High books.

This isn't the first time that I have confused fiction with real life. Last weekend I was back at the homestead for my father's "60 is the new 50" birthday party. I'd gone over to say hi to our neighbours, and when I came back I mentioned to my dad that Mrs. Neighbour's sister was visiting from Vancouver.

"How long has she lived in Vancouver?" I asked.

"I think she's always lived there," my dad said.

"Not always," I corrected him. "Remember, she was in the Halifax Symphony, so she must've lived out east. Otherwise that was one heck of a commute."

My dad looked at me, a little like he might be losing his mind, but more like I was losing mine. "She's a stock broker. I don't think she's ever been in the symphony."

"A stock broker?" I shook my head. "No, she was DEFINITELY in the Halifax Symphony."

My dad's look now confirmed that he thought it was definitely me that was crazy.

And then I realized that I was actually confusing my neighbour's sister with Dave's sister. Dave, being the main character in Stuart McLean's Vinyl Cafe series. Hmm...

Kitty (I mean, Canada) Day

I know yesterday was CANADA DAY and all, but to me it was KITTY DAY. Although we did go to Queen's Park and watch the kiddies getting their faces painted and playing Go Fish and Ring Toss at the carnival games and we got a red-and-white CANADA DAY frisbee, I kept thinking about a different kind of kitty: mine. And how I couldn't wait to get home. Why?

Because, I got The FURminator.

When my sister first told me about it, I thought Ho-Hum, Another Cat Brush. But then I saw the Pictures.

And I was amazed, but also sort of grossed out.

But then I started asking people about it and everyone swore it was the best thing since furless cats.




And so, we went to PetSmart. Where the PetSmart lady told us The FURminator cost $42.99. For the smallest brush.

What? I don't own a brush that costs $42.99. Surely Mr. Baz does not need a brush that costs that much. But I asked him. He said he REALLY wanted it. And it was KITTY DAY, after all. How could I deny him a KITTY gift on KITTY DAY?

And then, I watched the Video in the store, which is clearly playing just to suck all pet owners in. Except maybe Turtle Owners ...

and Fish Owners...



They should definitely NOT use this brush on their pets.

But I could not believe my eyes. I had to have The FURminator.

I took it home. And began the Ultimate FURminating Challenge:

The FURminator vs. Mr. Baz.

You think you're the FURminator? You will not take MY fur. Oh no, you won't. I will TERminate you, FURminator.

The FURminator managed to get a bagful of fur. Mr. Baz, however, managed to get some mean teeth marks into the FURminator.

Then I sat down to watch this trailer, for Kitty Kitty, the new book by Michele Jaffe, which came out yesterday. Awesome.



How did you spend your Canada Day?